oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
