You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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