I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
