i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
