I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
operation have a gay friend backfired
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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