Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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