New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
