Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
