my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
