dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
