there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
