just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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