My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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