connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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