We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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