I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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