Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I smell stomach acid.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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