Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.