I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?