it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?