.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
