Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
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She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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