the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit