I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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