Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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