well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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