I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
