I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
