i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
