you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
