You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
