Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
