K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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