he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
