I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
