I want to have your abortion
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
