He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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