"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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