i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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