Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
