(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
