my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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