Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
