Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
