Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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