I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
