I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
