we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
