Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
