It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
