Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
