I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
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Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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