I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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