I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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