ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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