Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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