I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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