Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
