haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
