Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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