last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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