you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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